Amnesia
by ifdaryldiesweriot
Summary: After Sam leaves for Stanford, Dean finds himself doubting their relationship ever meant anything to Sam. Based on the song "Amnesia" By 5 Seconds of Summer.


_I drove by all the places we used to hang out getting wasted_

_I thought about our last kiss, how it felt the way you tasted_

It's been two days since you left Sammy. I'm still here waiting for you to come home. Dad is on another hunt. Bobby called letting us know he found a pretty big nest of vamps and needed some backup. Dad wanted me to come with, but I can't leave town. What if you came back and I was gone? Dad left the Impala with me in case I changed my mind and decide to join him up in Sioux Falls. Maybe when you come back we can go there together, or anywhere you want. Even Disneyland.

Do you remember when we went there for your tenth birthday? Dad dropped us off and you dragged me around the whole place, geeking out and getting excited when you saw Mickey Mouse. That day was the first day either of us had ever been on a rollercoaster, and you were so scared. I can remember the way you squeezed my hand tight as we got to the top of the hill. My stomach knotted up so bad, at the time I blamed it on the ride but looking back I know it was because of you.

I've spent all morning trying to keep busy by cleaning the Impala, but she reminds me so much of you. Like the time I snuck some of Dad's whiskey into a flask and we sat in the front seats of the car, and I let you try some. Your face was hilarious when you took your first sip, I think you only kept drinking it to try and impress me. That was the night we kissed for the first time, but I'm sure you remember too. You were pretty tipsy when you pressed your lips on mine. I couldn't believe it, I thought I was sick for having feelings for you, so when you kissed me with those whiskey tasting lips of yours I started to think maybe I wasn't sick after all. I miss your kisses so much little bro.

God Sammy, please come home soon.

_And even though your friends tell me you're doing fine_

_Are you somewhere feeling lonely even though he's right beside you?_

_When he says those words that hurt you, do you read the ones I wrote you?_

I took Baby out to see you today, thought I would surprise you but you had a surprise for me instead. It killed me when I knocked on your door and that pretty little blonde answered the door instead of you. I didn't want to stay but I kept up pretenses, even went to that bar and met all of your new friends. They seem nice, but it kills me that they get to see you every day and I don't. It killed me even more to see you kissing Jess in front of me as though I didn't mean anything to you anymore. I guess maybe I don't.

_Sometimes I start to wonder, was it just a lie?_

_If what we had was real, how could you be fine?_

_'Cause I'm not fine at all_

It's been a month now Sammy. I want to call you but I don't think I could cope with hearing you sound so happy when I'm in pieces. Dad doesn't know what's wrong with me, I heard him on the phone to Bobby the other night saying that he's worried that I've become so reckless. It's not that I'm being reckless, just that I'm not scared to get hurt anymore. Surely nothing can hurt as bad as this does.

I'm wondering if you never really had feelings for me at all. Whether it was all in my head and I just took advantage of my little brother instead of taking care of you like I should have been. I keep imagining all the times we slept together and it makes me feel sick. When I ran my hands over your body and you moaned, were you just playing along to make me happy? You must have been. If you really loved me like you said you did then how could you be so happy with somebody else instead of me?

_I remember the day you told me you were leaving_

_I remember the make-up running down your face_

_And the dreams you left behind you didn't need them_

_Like every single wish we ever made_

Dad snuck out to see you yesterday, though he would never admit it if you asked him. He just watched you from the Impala for a while and then came home. He told me he was going to see one of his hunter friends but I called him out on it when he came back. He doesn't want to admit how much he misses you, but he really does. I can tell how much he regrets arguing with you that night. He was just worried about you, you've never been on your own before. He knows how stupid he's been now though, he said he saw you walking with your girlfriend and that you looked happy.

I'm glad that he saw you, I hope that washes away the memory of how broken you looked when you left. I'll never forget seeing how distraught you were, you didn't even bother to try and hide the tears from me. You told me you were sorry, that you weren't going to let yourself grow up to be a hunter. You were going to make something of yourself. Up until then I always thought your dreams included me, but now I know it was all in my head.

Dad still thinks you left because of him. I can't tell him the truth. That you really left because of what I put you through.

_I wish that I could wake up with amnesia_

_And forget about the stupid little things_

_Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you_

_And the memories I never can escape_

It's been six months now and the motel beds still feel massive without you here to share them with. I just want to forget how nice it felt to share a bed with you, how we used to wait until Dad fell asleep and then I would put my arm over you can hold you tight as you fell asleep too. I always felt so comforted to have you in my arms, but it must have been awful for you. I remember you used to make soft little moans as you pushed your body closer to mine, and they made me so happy. Why did you do that when you never really loved me? You should have known that I would rather have you happy than to have you in my arms.

_The pictures that you sent me they're still living in my phone_

_I'll admit I like to see them, I'll admit I feel alone_

I know I shouldn't, but I still have a dozen photos of you on my phone. When I miss you so much I can hardly breathe I look at them, and it makes the pain a little easier to bare. I have photos of you smiling, photos of the both of us, photos with you and Dad. Then there are the other photos I have of you. I don't look at those ones anymore, it wouldn't feel right. Besides, ever since you left my libido hasn't been what it used to be. I still can't bring myself to delete them though. Even though I know you never really loved me, until I hear you say it out loud I'll not be able to give up on you completely.

_And all my friends keep asking why I'm not around_

_It hurts to know you're happy, yeah, it hurts that you've moved on_

_It's hard to hear your name when I haven't seen you in so long_

Dad has been nagging at me again for going off on hunts by myself. He says that it's stupid to go on solo hunts when it's safer for us together, but I can handle them on my own. I'm 26 in a few months, he should trust me by now. He keeps asking me why I don't call you anymore. Every time he brings up your name it kills me. I try so hard not to think about you anymore, but it's impossible when he asks me to call and find out how you are. He thinks I'm withdrawn but I just can't bare the thought of hearing you sound so happy. Besides, it's been so long since we spoke I wouldn't know what to say.

_I wish that I could wake up with amnesia_

_And forget about the stupid little things_

_Like the way it felt to fall asleep next to you_

_And the memories I never can escape_

Dad's been on a hunting trip and hasn't been home in a few days. It's not like him to disappear without calling at least once a day to let me know how things are going. I'm really starting to worry about him. If he doesn't come home tonight I'm going to come get you. I know that's the last thing either of us want but I don't know what else to do.

The thought of having to see you is terrifying me but I don't know if I can do this without you. I was so close to getting over you, I still feel lonely waking up without you there beside me but it was starting to hurt less and less each day. I know if I see you that all the feelings I have for you will come straight back, but I have no other option.

I'm really freaking out, I'm so worried something has happened to him, and then I'll have lost both of you. I'm leaving for Stanford soon to come and get you. I just hope you will put aside everything that has happened between us in the past, for Dad's sake.

_If today I woke up with you right beside me_

_Like all of this was just some twisted dream_

_I'd hold you closer than I ever did before_

_And you'd never slip away_

You're asleep right now. I managed to get you to come with me to find Dad, just for the weekend but that's something at least. I can see you snoring away on the motel bed next to mine and I can't help remembering what we used to get up to when Dad left us in motels on our own. I'm exhausted but I can't bare to close my eyes and fall asleep. Who knows how long it will be before I see you again.

I wonder what would happen if I crawled into bed with you right now. If I wrapped my arms around you and fell asleep beside you. Would you wake up in the morning and hold me back, or would you feel sick? If I woke up with you beside me I would hold you so tight, I don't think I could bare to let you go.


End file.
